The Kindness Project: The Cost of Kindness
May 09, 2012 
About The Kindness Project:
Too often kindness is relegated to a random act performed only when we’re feeling good. But an even greater kindness (to ourselves and others) occurs when we reach out even when we aren’t feeling entirely whole . It’s not easy, and no one is perfect. But we’ve decided it’s not impossible to brighten the world one smile, one kind word, one blog post at a time. To that end, a few of us writers have established The Kindness Project, starting with a series of inspirational posts.
The Cost of Kindness
I think that childhood often teaches us to be cruel. When you’re a kid, kindness is rarely rewarded, not in reality. And you’re too inwardly focused to understand the impact you have on others.
When I was in middle school I was in a specific track of classes that contained the “smart kids.” The rest of the school were the self-proclaimed “dumb kids.” And the dumb kids hated the smart kids. I remember reading during lunch one day when a group of “dumb kids” came over and took my book, which was about dragons, and made fun of me for it.
After a while one of the girls, clearly uneasy, said, “Leave her alone, just give it back, let’s go.” And that little bit of kindness was enough to make the rest of the pack jump on her, turning all their mockery onto her. “What, you want to be a smart kid too?” And teased and insulted her mercilessly. They left her there standing awkwardly next to my table, and we looked at each other. If it had been a movie she would’ve smiled timidly and said, “I like dragons too.” Instead she threw my french fries on the floor and followed the other girls.
I think we’re trained through this kind of episode to think that kindness is weakness. For me, kindness often actually requires great strength. It’s not looking away when you pass someone less fortunate than you. It’s not yelling at the customer service guy when he tells you the repair man’s coming between 9 AM and 5 PM. But true kindness happens when you’re tired and in a darker place yourself, and that’s the hardest of all. It’s understanding when someone else is cruel to you that it often means more about them than you. It’s letting others win when you need a victory yourself–but they need it more. It’s listening, when all you want to do is shout about the things that are hurting you.
I was a prickly teenager. It wasn’t like I was intentionally mean or anything, but to me, straight up kindness was always a weakness. Emotion in general was weakness. And I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be independent and self-sufficient, I didn’t want to need anyone. I was shy, and to hide that I used sarcasm like a knife, not realizing that it could sometimes be pretty hurtful to the people on the receiving end. I was too proud to go out of my way to be nice, or to let someone else win. In my mind the price of being kind for kindness’s sake was way too high.
But it wasn’t until I was bemoaning the fact that a new acquaintance didn’t seem to like me much that a friend of mine told me bluntly, “Well, it’s because you’re not very nice.” When I stared at her, horrified, she quickly clarified, “Only when someone’s first meeting you! You’re awesome once people get to know you, but it’s hard to get in there at first.” Though it was subtle at the time, that ended up changing my life.
While I’d love to say that I instantly became a goddess of kindness, no one changes their ways overnight. I’m still somewhat standoffish sometimes because of my shyness. I have bad days. I think anyone who doesn’t is probably a pod person. But being kind doesn’t make you weaker, it makes you stronger. Cruelty–or at least indifference–is rooted in self-consciousness, but kindness is selfless by its very nature. You aren’t paying attention to yourself. It costs you nothing to be kind.
One of my favorite quotes about kindness was said by President FDR–and he wasn’t even talking about people so much as policy. But it’s always stuck with me, possibly because I first read it shortly after that eye-opening conversation with my friend.
He said: “Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.”
—
Posting today for The Kindness Project:
Elizabeth Davis * Sarah Fine * Liza Kane * Amie Kaufman * Sara Larson * Matthew MacNish * Sara McClung * Gretchen McNeil * Tracey Neithercott * Lola Sharp * Michele Shaw * Meagan Spooner * Carolina Valdez Miller
Be sure to check them out! We post the second Wednesday of every month. Want to join us? Grab our button and spread a little kindness.
; ?>/i/tag@2x.png)
Oh my goodness–I’m very much like this! I get feedback that I’m intimidating or cold as a first impression, but never from people who know me. At first I was sort of baffled, because I’d never intentionally put that out there, but then I realized that that was how people were interpreting my shyness. And a little bit of gentle feedback helped me stretch a little, and do a little bit better with that. The effort is worth it.
Such a good point about the interpretation of kindness, too. It’s a risk to be kind, when that means letting down your shields a bit. Again, worth it, but you’re so right about kids, because they’re still trying to figure it out while not getting smashed in the process!
So well said. Kindness doesn’t have much meaning when it’s easy. I think that’s Carol’s point exactly.
For me, being a large, scary man, my kindness is not often taken for weakness in real life. But it’s a whole different world on the internet.
I’m so proud to be a part of this with you, Meagan, and it’s also nice to meet you!
As someone who’s been up close to your shyness, I know exactly what sort of heart lies behind it – and I’ve watched you stretch to overcome your natural desire to stand back and keep quiet. You have so much kindness inside you, and I love the way you mix it with your resilience. <3
I totally understand the standoffish comment, I think it happens to all of us who are, at the core, very shy. BUT as someone who’s met you in person? You didn’t seem standoffish to me at all. Very warm, very friendly, and very inclusive 🙂 (Even if we only had a few minutes between eating!)
I love that FDR quote. <3
Kindness in the face of adversity takes extreme strength.
I look forward to reading more from you. 🙂
Hugs,
Lola
Great post! And you are so right! Kindness is strength. Glad to be on this project with you:)
I love that FDR quote, and think of that often throughout my dayjob as a store manager. Another thought I embrace: “It costs nothing to be kind.” It takes great strength to show kindness in the face of adversity, like you say; but the reward is always satisfying, even if it’s not immediately apparent.
Thank you for sharing, and nice to meet you!
I LOVE that quote! So powerful. And what a wonderful, honest post. I love how many of us are looking at our lives and what helped change and shape us and how we can keep trying to become better through this project. So glad to meet you!
Great post, Meagan!
Ah, yes, I get the standoffish comment, too. Really, I’m just super shy.
Being kind when we don’t feel like is difficult. It’s something I personally struggle with. Sometimes I think those acts of kindess can make the biggest difference. Like how, in the movie version of your life, the mean girl stood up for you and then became your BFF over your mutual love of dragons. The fact that she was kind is great, but the fact that she was kind despite the years of bullying, etc. between the two of you makes it even more powerful. (And, yes, I’m totally talking about your fake childhood. What?)
Glad to be a part of this awesome project with you.
I think so much of the time life conditions us to be the kind of people we don’t want to be or to meet. Like you said we learn that cruelty is rewarded, or at the very least, makes you less vulnerable. And honestly I’ve sometimes felt like being kind really puts me out there and into a vulnerable position. It sometimes feels like it’s easier to get hurt sometimes, or taken advantage of. I don’t honestly know if this is true or not, but I know that to be cruel or unkind will not solve anything and will hurt me far worse than any kindness I give ever could. There is so much reward in kindness–for the receiver and the giver. And like you said, it costs nothing. If that girl hadn’t knocked your fries down, and had been friendly to you instead, what’s the worst that could happen? Her nasty friends don’t want to be “friends” anymore? Yeah, not so bad. And I bet she would’ve had a great friend in you in exchange. That may have been a moment of revelation and understanding for her, a moment that could’ve changed her life. But we’ll never know.
No one ever looks back and says, I wish I could’ve been meaner. Beautiful post, Meg.
I love that your friend was able to tell you and you were able to hear that and learn from it!
What a really great and honest post. Kindness really is all about strength, isn’t it. It sometimes take enormous strength of character to be kind – I know it has for me, esp with my step-daughter. Glad to be joining you on this amazing project.